The struggles of a father trying to see his daughter.

After about 3 and a half years I was finally able to see my daughter! My breath was taken away at the sight of her. She is so tall, tan skin, long beautiful black hair and just so beautiful. I was expecting the little girl that I saw several years ago. I wanted to scoop her up and just hold her and kiss her but I didn't want to freak her out. She was very pleasant. She told me about her friends, her "boy teacher" and and all her cousins. Her favorite color is teal blue! She loved the Elves Legos I got her and was fascinated by the picture album I gave her to show her that I and my wife and her brothers have seen her before. We built Legos together and then played a board game. And just like that my time with her was over. I hugged her so hard and kissed her. She hugged me back. I can still feel her now hugging me. 

I am a father to two other boys. I am a full time student and stay at home dad. My wife is an ER nurse. All I want is to be able to see my daughter during the summers and holidays. Can you imagine what it is like to have someone try to take your parental rights away from you because you have Post-traumatic Stress?!?!?! Do you know how I feel seeing my daughter and having her taken away from me until a psychologist or a judge renders me the opportunity to see her again? I spent $2500 today to be grilled by a child psychologist today. I spent hundreds of dollars today for the MMPI test for myself and my wife. I also took a bunch of other test like the ink blot test and to see whether I was an avid alcoholic or habitual drug user or a criminal. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am none of the above. 

The problem here is that her mother is uncomfortable with having anybody else influence my daughter because of her own insecurities. However, to my face she will say that she tells my daughter, "your daddy is a hero in the Army." And tells me to my face that she is not trying to keep my daughter away from me but goes to court and has her lawyer file a motion to rescind my rights as a father because I have PTS. Is that not a liar or what? I am so sickened by this whole situation. My two boys love me deeply and I love them just as much as I love my daughter. I have spent over $12,000 fighting fory rights as a father. Does anybody else see what the hell is wrong with that?! I have paid child support since since it was settled in court many years ago and I have not missed a payment. And since my injury in Afghanistan by a grenade in 2011, my daughter has received additional funds by way of SSDI. 

So why can't I see my daughter? When her mother told me she was getting married, I said that was great but do not ask me to sign over my rights as a father. She promised me to my face she wouldn't. Another lie. I am disgusted by the fact that her words do not align with her actions. All I know is that the judge told her lawyer I will see my daughter. Until that time I guess I will just continue to pay money and fight for my daughter. 

I just can't imagine how many fathers are out there going through this. I am retired Army and the only reason I can afford this battle is because my wife is an awesome nurse. How could I afford this on retirement and VA alone?!?!? Impossible!!! How many fathers have given up their fight for their children because they couldn't afford the expenses of this legal system?!?!?! It's broken! Hello?!?!?! Do you guys not see this?!?! I am a father pursuing a relationship with his daughter while other women take their children's fathers to court and get nothing. Not a penny. This is wrong.

To my daughter,

You my dear are so beautiful. I know that soon enough we will be spending some quality time with one another! I can't wait for us to develop an awesome relationship. Your brother love you and ask about you daily. You mean to me what words can not express and when you left the office to day my heart was broken. And as I write this with tears pouring down my face, know that I love you sooooooooo much. All the words in the world can not express the emotions I am going through right now. My heart is heavy and empty because you are missing. But I will see you and show you my love soon. 

I love you my beautiful daughter. I will see you soon,

Love Daddy.

The Last Day

So Tuesday my baseline was way off. Memorial Day is a very rough day because it's meant to be reflective NOT HAPPY. I drank that evening so obviously Tuesday morning I was not at 100%. I'm thankful that we did not have to perform that day as I was not ready. I did feel good as the class went on especially after our exercises.

Today was the last day of class:( I thoroughly enjoyed this class and learned a few things.
1. Warming up for everything that I do is important.
2. Stage fright is non-existent when well  prepared.
3. Yoga is great for my back and mobility.
4. I really can act!
5. Shannon Ivey is the passionate and awesome and genuinely cares for us Vets as she does all people.

I loved this class and wished it was longer.

We performed today and I was able to pull the scene with Madi. While practicing, I kept jacking up my lines, but I got it!!! It was awesome.

Now I'm in Austin Airport awaiting my flight to Atlanta to head to mediation. After approximately 2 years, I'm finally going to establish my rights as a father to to my eldest. I have not seen my daughter in 3 years!!! I pray that I may see her tomorrow after mediation is done. I'll keep you guys posted! Wish me luck!

Memorial Day...

Timothy D. Sayne
Joseph Fenty
David Timmons
Terry Lynch
Brian Moquin
Brian Bradbury
Patrick Lybert
Jared Monti
Wakkuna Jackson
Christophe Marquis
Benjamin D. Keating
Justin O'Donohue
Nicholas Bernier

Bryan A. Devlin

Sean Dadaian
Greg Gorski


My mind is pretty cloudy right now as I just finished balling my eyes out. Memorial Day...it's one of the hardest fucking days I live through year after year. My oldest son thought I was laughing and then realized I was crying. He kind of helped me out of it through his innocence.

"What's wrong Daddy?"

"A lot of Daddy's friends died."

I can't even think of everybody right now...I guess I'll edit it as I remember. The top ones are KIA. The second half died in vehicle accident like Devlin who was my best friend and roommate from basic until we went our separate ways after our first tour in Afghanistan together. He knew my family and we spent so much time together. He died doing the only thing he to cope with his life...drinking and riding fast.

Patrick Lybert

Greg coped with his PTSD in the worst way possible. His funeral was tough but I was able to catch up with almost the entire A Trp 2nd PLT 5-1 CAV RSTA 1-25 SBCT 25 ID. That was a well needed bonding session with my boys. Dadaian lost his battle with PTSD.

Justin O'Donohue

Christophe Marquis

David Timmons

Sean p. Dadaian

MOH Jared C. Monti

Greg Gorski

Wakkuna Jackson

Col. Joseph Fenty

Terry Lynch

Timothy D. Sayne 

There's so much to write but I need to call a friend right now to make sure he's ok on this day. I just called and no answer. I hope he didn't change his number because it went to an automated voicemail instead of his actual voice. He's been roughing it since he got out the Army and I worry about him. I may not be a Medic anymore but I still care deeply for all my guys and will forever be their "Doc."

Just talked to my buddy I was worried about. He's good. He just woke up from his security job and he is doing well.

Sugar

I was dreading the two days of no sugar. I started off strong! No coffee creamer, ate hard boiled eggs, limited my carbs but...I was angry as hell. Super irritable. I was silently cursing Shannon's challenge. I did well and ate a tuna salad for lunch and had a Paleo taco salad for dindin. Later I got hungry and had a protein shake but that didn't help. I eventually gave in and ate some biscotti cookies with a few grams of sugar in it. Sorry, Shannon but I suck at dieting. I guess I don't have the discipline to carry it out. One of these days I will better my diet. I don't know why it's such a damn near impossible task for me to eat healthy?! I hate that I have barely any self-discipline when it come to food.

I did promise myself that I would be in the best shape of my life at age 30 (which I turned earlier this year). I have to eat to perform, I know I do. So why can't I just do it? I know the history behind sugar and major health issues began occurring in association with the demand for sugar. I guess it really is an addiction as Shannon my professor said. When I began Whole 30 a few months ago, after I went through the "detox" phase I felt great but I just don't see myself eating like a a carnivorous rabbit for the rest of my life.

This was me when I was still active duty in Nov 2012 I think. 184 lbs.

This is me now. About 175 lbs.

I lost weight and am way more athletic than I was ever before thanks to a challenge from my best friend and Team Red, White, and Blue. If I could just have enough discipline to eat to perform, I would be an animal! I need to hold myself accountable and just do it.

Gotta dig deep...

Ok so the David Ives's play got throw out the window! It's cool though because Madi had most of the lines and I had a bunch of one-liners and it was way too long. Shannon gave us the bedroom fight scene from Goodwill Hunting. I effing love that movie. It's such an amazing script! And the movie makes you really dig deep down and explore your own soul. Anyways, we are going to have to work hard on this one. It's going to take both of digging deep to bring our characters to life through our fight scene. Don't have time to write much today as I need to be nose deep into that script right now. G-d help me be off-book by tomorrow!

Ok had to come back and add this in...My dog must thinking I'm loosing my mind. I'm practicing the script, waving my hands while yelling and cursing, and she's looking at me like wtf?! She just got up and left her chair in my office. I tried to tell her it was ok and that Daddy was just acting. I guess Daisy thinks I suck that bad:)

Pain

Today, I started off with back pain and one of the exercises that I was doing for my partner killed me. I was super tight to the point where I was walking a little crooked. But when it was my turn to go through the relaxing exercise at the hands of my partner, I arose with the pain gone! I am so thankful that Shannon had us do those exercises because I deal with back pain so much and I am really tired of being in constant pain.

Anyways today I performed my monolog from Empire. I was told I did awesome so I hope to improve it even more for next weeks performance for faculty. My 5 other classmates did well too! Now we are going to work on our partner scenes. Madi is my partner and we almost chose a scene with a kiss involved but I don't think my wife would like that! I guess I could ask her just to see. I did mention it at the gym to her in a comical way and she was responded like, "Yea ok! That's not going to happen." LOL I'm laughing as I'm writing this. I wish you all could have seen her face!

The scene is from David Ives's Vanda in Fur. I'll be playing the director and Madi will play Vanda. It's the opening scene with out the opening monolog from the director and without Vanda's last comment before she leaves the studio after her disastrous non-existent audition. Should be fun!

Real

Finally, while practicing my Empire monolog, I had a real moment. I actually felt my character and it was pretty cool. I felt him trying to explain about money through me to the audience. I physically got hot as if I was trying to explain something to someone who just didn't get it. I practiced with my wife several times and then headed to my neighbor's. I messed up the first time for him but nailed it the second time. I don't think he was expecting the profanity because he asked me about it. I explained to him that it's from the movie and he was like, "Oh ok, the profanity makes it more real." I pray tomorrow it feels real again and I have an outstanding performance.

While working on our monologs today I tried to act like I had been shot in the head and that didn't work. So then I was asked to act like I got hit in the chest by a bullet and it must have been so terrible because my professor nixed it completely (lol) and said, "Just act like you're looking at your dead body."